St. Peter: Insult Comic

I decided the internets, my web log in particular, would just a good a place to display my savory comedy vittles. As of now, being stored on my hard drive, the only exposure they received was from my computer's assorted "bleeps" and "blorps" (I have a 1979 IBM mainframe) and pornography induced malware. So without further ado and embarrassment to myself, enjoy!
 
EXT. GATES OF HEAVEN - INFINITY

A lineup of MEN and WOMEN shuffle along. ED notices a nervous looking ROY ahead of him.

ROY
What’s the hold up, already? C’mon!

ED
Relax, buddy. We’re almost there.

ROY
This wait is agony. I’m starting to think we’re in Hell, not-

ST. PETER (O.S.)
Next!

REBECCA steps before ST. PETER. It’s now revealed to be the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter, white beard and robe, keeps his head in the Book of Life.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
Rebecca Lawson. Born 1946. Married for 30 years. Three children--

St. Peter looks up from the book and at Rebecca. She has a very prominent MOLE on her face, which catches him off guard.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
Whoa!

St. Peter suddenly assumes a pseudo Andrew “Dice” Clay voice and mannerisms of a hack-ey comedian.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
I seen National Geographic specials on smaller moles than that. Oh!

Rebecca GASPS and covers her mole with her hand.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
But seriously, what was it like being on “Planet Earth”?

Roy becomes even more anxious.

ROY
What is this? What’s happening?

ED
You didn’t hear? St. Peter’s an insult comic now.

Ed holds up a newspaper, “Eternity Weekly”. On the front page is the headline “St. Peter ‘Kills’ at Pearly Gates” with the byline “Hopes to Book Club Tour in 2012”.

ROY
Oh no! He’s gonna’ tear me to shreds! That book’s got everything in it.

ED
So? No one’s perfect. How bad could it be?

ROY
Ever start a “Thicke of the Night” fan club?

ED
No-

ROY
Then have to resign as President for writing inappropriate fan fiction?

ST. PETER
...all right, you’re a good sport. Let’s hear it for Rebecca.

MILD APPLAUSE as St. Peter lets a shell shocked Rebecca in. MICHAEL, a Chinese man, steps up next.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
Michael Cheng, everybody! Put those hands together!
(looking through the Book)
Okay, looks like everything checks out. Come on in.

Michael is about to step through the pearly gates when:

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
Whoa, hold on there Michael. Cheng, that’s Chinese?

Michael nods “yes”.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
Hmm, says here that you’re quite fond of the practical joke?

MICHAEL
What? No, I--

St. Peter produces a can of Coke from behind his pulpit.

ST. PETER
And you put pee-pee in my coke!? What!?

More mild APPLAUSE and LAUGHTER.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
All right, thanks for letting us have some fun out here. Play a couple hands on the house.

St. Peter hands Michael some poker chips.

MICHAEL
There’s a casino inside?

ST. PETER
Sure. Whatever. Next!

A very nervous Roy steps before St. Peter.

ROY
H-Hey, how’s it going?

St. Peter gives Roy a prolonged look before going back to perusing the Book of Life. He mutters to himself before:

ST. PETER
Sheesh! How’d you ever make it this far? I ain’t seen this many blemishes since God gave Job a case of the ol’ full body herpes.
(to Roy directly)
Speaking of which, you know you can’t get Valtrex up here, right?

ROY
C’mon! I don’t have herpes.

ST. PETER
No, you’re right. It’s pretty hard to catch an STD when you’ve only been with...
(looks at Book)
...three women!? I seen less frigid pricks at an Eskimo blood drive!

ROY
Hey! So, I was a little picky. There’s nothing wrong with that?

ST. PETER
We’re not talking about finding the perfect accent color hand towel for your bathroom, here. I got more trim on accident than you did on purpose. And I hung out with lepers most of my adult life.

ROY
I only slept with the women I formed a meaningful bond with, okay? Some might consider that noble.

ST. PETER
And most would consider your penis to have a learning disability. Tell me, Sir Lancelot...
(looking through the Book)
...does watching “The Notebook” seventeen times only give you a vagina, or do you get the complete set with that?

ROY
“The Notebook” is a timeless love story both men and women can enjoy. It received a 52% on Rotten Tomatoes, so--

ST. PETER
Good Lord! At least lie to me and say your wife made you watch it. Oh that's right, you never got married.

The crowd behind Roy gives a sitcom-style “Ooooh!”.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
Okay, okay. You’re all right, Roy. Welcome to Heaven.

Roy is about to walk through the gates when he stops.

ROY
Just where do you get off, sir? When’s the last time you were on earth? Almost 2000 years ago? There’s a lot more to life these days than not trying to die before your 33. Happiness and spiritual fulfillment aren’t so easy to come by, you know? Not a whole lot of God parting the clouds, commanding us to sacrifice our only son then yelling “Psych!” these days.

ST. PETER
You leave Abraham out of this!

ROY
I am no one special. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but in one respect I’ve succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul and for me that has always been enough.

Roy waits for applause which doesn’t come. After a long beat:

ST. PETER
That’s from “The Notebook” isn’t it?

ROY
Yes.

Head down, shame filled, Roy attempts to enter. St. Peter clears his throat, points to a sign hanging from the gate that reads “Hecklers Will Be Removed Without Refund”.

ROY (CONT’D)
God damn it.

A pair of ANGELS escort Roy out of Heaven.

Is It Me, Or...

...does the poster for "Big Momma's House 3"



...look like it should belong on the wall of Tracy Jordan's dressing room



I'm pretty sure Martin Lawrence would eat a turd (as opposed to starring in them, Boom!) if you paid him enough.

Meet the Mets Part 3: Starting Pitching

The Mets made it official and hired Sandy Alderson. Initially I was a little concerned when I heard he was the front runner. Although he had continued to work in baseball, he hadn’t been a General Manager since his days in Oakland in the late 80’s / early 90’s. And while those teams were great, the game has changed radically since then. My top choice was White Sox Assistant GM Rick Hahn, who is reportedly a stats guy and responsible for hammering out a lot of the finer points of all the team’s contracts.

But Alderson was himself, an early proponent of advanced statistics. He’s recruited Paul DePodesta and J.P. Riccardi to join, what is suddenly, one of the best front offices in baseball. And he has been pretty candid thus far saying the Mets, with the monies already committed to 2011 payroll, will not be big spenders in the free agent market this winter. That is certainly refreshing to hear after years of Omar Minaya’s soft shoe “Well, we’re going to pursue all avenues to make this team better.” routine. Long story short I’m cautiously optimistic.

On to what was probably the most pleasantly surprising part of the 2010 season; the starting rotation. Let’s see who’ll be back in 2011:

1. Johan Santana: What more can possibly be said about Santana? He’s hands down one of the best. His recent injury history and declining K/9 ratio is a little disconcerting. But even if his skills are declining, I’m confident he’ll continue to find a way to win and it’s not like the guy’s 42 or anything. He’s still in his prime.

2. Mike Pelfrey: Big Pelf made some pretty big strides this year. Although he may not be the Ace the Mets hoped he’d be when they drafted him out of Wichita State, he still looks like a solid number two or three starter who’s above average groundball ratio will play well with the Mets strong defense.

3. Jon Niese: Niese definitely established himself as a rotation mainstay this year. If not for a shitty September, Niese’s numbers would have looked a lot better. He was obviously fatigued down the stretch, as he pitched more innings than he ever had in thirty big league starts in 2010. He posted solid 7.7 K/9 and 3.3 BB/9 ratios too, but did give up too many hits, averaging ten per nine innings pitched.

4. R.A. Dickey: Dickey was incredible last season, and I think it’s safe to say it wasn’t a fluke. He may not post numbers as good as he did last season (In 26 starts, 2.84 ERA, 138 ERA+, 165 hits given up in 174 IP, 1.187 WHIP) but he certainly appears to have figured out how to maximize his talents. He’s under team control for two more years, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the Mets offer him a two year contract.

Realistically that only leaves one rotation spot open for next year.

In House Candidates: I think this option starts and ends with Dillon Gee. He looked great in five Major League starts in September. He reminds me a lot of Rick Reed. He won’t blow you away, but he can throw four pitches for strikes. He tossed 194.1 innings in total, so you have to figure you could get a full season out of him without blowing out his arm, if you go by the Verducci rule. I love Jenry Mejia’s stuff, but I think between his control and injury issues he’s not there yet. The Mets would be smart to give him a year of stars in the Minor Leagues to build arm strength and control.

Free Agents: There’s a very good chance Johan Santana will start the year on the DL. So what I’d like the Mets to do is to sign one back-end, innings eater and one risk / reward type. You can never have too much pitching, as they say, and I think it’s wise to hedge your bets between a solid yet unspectacular starter, a potentially very good but uncertain starter coming off injury, and the rookie.

Risk/Reward Guys: At the top of the list is former Cy Young winner Brandon Webb. Webb, coming off major shoulder surgery, is working towards regaining arm strength and stamina so who knows how much you can realistically expect from him in 2011. But the idea of Brandon Webb behind Santana certainly is tantalizing. The problem is money. Webb is probably in line for a deal similar to last year’s Rich Harden or Ben Sheets deals; one year, incentive laden contract with a base of $7 - $10 million. I doubt the Mets will commit those kinds of dollars on a roll of the dice, not this year.

There are some other intriguing names in this bunch like Harden, Brad Penny, Vicente Padilla and Justin Duchscherer. Of this bunch, I like Duchscherer the best. He only cost the A’s $2 million last year. On the con side Oakland received a scant five start return on their investment. On the plus side this devalues Duchscherer even more heading into the winter. Also, when healthy, he’s proven very effective. To me he’s the perfect cross-section of risk / reward at a price the Mets can live with.

Reliable Innings Eaters: I would like to see the Mets go after one of Hiroki Kuroda, John Garland or Jake Westbrook. Kuroda, heading into his age 36 season next year, has been quietly solid for the Dodgers. He’s coming off his best season (31 starts, 196.1 IP, 3.39 ERA, 159 K, 1.161 WHIP) and would be a nice addition for not a ton of cash.

Garland had a nice resurgence in 2010 with the Padres, going 14-12 with a 3.47 ERA in exactly 200 IP. He was helped by a lower than average BAbip (.268) and the cavernous confines of Petco Park, but the Mets are solid defensively and Garland would fit in nicely in equally pitcher-friendly Citi Field.

Westbrook, predictably, benefitted from his mid-season to the National League. The Cardinals seem to have the inside track on re-signing him for next year, but his crazy 1.89 GB/FB ratio would play extremely well in Citi Field.

It’d be even better if they could get one of them on a one year deal, but I’d settle for 2 years in the $10-$12 million range. That’s still an affordable price and a short team deal. Worst comes to worst, if the rotation gets crowded, this type of pitcher (and at that price) is always attractive to contending teams at the trade deadline. So you’d probably get a higher-than-average return in any deal.

The Scrap Heap: Again, you can never have too much pitching, and the Mets would be wise to sign a couple guys with Major League experience to Minor League deals to fight for a job in Spring Training, or to keep down on the farm in case of injury. Some interesting Non-Tender candidates include Brian Bannister, Boof Bonser, Andrew Miller, and Sergio Mitre. Also, potential free agent reclamation projects include Nate Robertson, Ian Snell, and Micah Owings.

Hate, Explained

Come this time of year, there’s always a lot of bickering between the pro and anti Yankee factions across the various social media platforms. I often wondered where it all started. I feel like it’s a “chicken or the egg” kind of thing. Did an overconfident Yankee fan, completely unprovoked, needlessly badger a fan of another team first? Or did the fan of another team “hate”, as the kids say, on the Yankees first?

Personally, I try to stay clear of the whole mess. I try to live my life focused on doing what I do. Whatever someone else does or doesn’t do well, that’s on them. But even I can’t help spewing a little Yankee vitriol now and then. There are numerous reasons to dislike the Yankees; a large, douch-ey entitled fair weather fan base, the outrageous payroll, the bullshit “aura”, “mystique” and “The Yankee Way”. For me, though, I think it’s because I simply just don’t get being a Yankees fan.

Being a Yankee fan is like having rich man problems, observe:

“Fuck! My Bentley’s getting detailed? Ugh! Fine, I guess I’ll drive the BMW.”
=
“What the fuck, A-Rod, the best player in the world for the past 15 years, how come you only have 20 home runs through August you bum!”

And when Joba Chamberlain was having a disappointing season, you went and picked up Kerry Wood and all the remaining money on his $10 million dollar contract. Could you use a slight upgrade at DH? Why not go and get Lance Berkman and the remaining money on his $14.5 million dollar contract?

I don’t blame the Yankees for spending money. How much they are able to spend is completely up to them as an organization. But, to get marginally better they spent tens of millions of dollars. That’s like throwing away your Rembrandt for a Picasso because it’s worth slightly more. Not only that, could other contenders have benefited more from additions like Wood and Berkman? Of course they could have, but the cost of their contracts made those moves prohibitive. If you’re the only team who can afford to make one of those moves, let alone both, how is that fair? Or more accurately, as a fan, how can you feel good about that?

The faulty economics of baseball aside, I think the thing that baffles me most is how does being a Yankee fan bring you any joy? Back in 2006 I was absolutely crushed when Beltran took a called third strike on an Adam Wainwright curveball in game seven of the NLCS. But years later I look back on that 2006 team and season with great fondness. I remember all the games I went to, witnessing them clinch the National League East for the first time in almost twenty years, the excitement of attending my first playoff game. Despite the fact that the Mets failed to even make the World Series, I consider that season a success. Numerous teams/players/seasons around Major League Baseball are beloved by their fans despite not winning a championship. Did you hear the Texas crowd’s defeaning eruption when the third out was recorded? Even if the Rangers are swept in World Series, how many fans will look back and smile when thinking about Josh Hamilton, Nelson Cruz, Cliff Lee, Neftali Feliz, Ron Washington, or that silly claw and antler things they do?

Conversely, how many Yankee fans will wax nostalgic about that magical 2010 season where they almost made it? How many Bronx faithful will remember all the clutch plays Nick Swisher and Austin Kearns made? Right now millions of Yankee fans have already moved on, content that with Cliff Lee likely in their rotation behind Sabathia next year, a World Series title is never more than a year away. And that’s been the “Yankee Way” for the last ten years.

We all wish we could always come out on top in life in whatever we do; have a great job, make ass tons of money, have a beautiful family, and an overall sense of spiritual fulfillment. Unfortunately, that’s not how life works. Most of us work too hard at jobs we don’t like, for too little money, feel shitty and come home to even more problems with only a sliver of time to do the things we actually enjoy in life. But, once in a while, we win; getting a fat tax return check, just catching a train, or calling out your boss in front of his/her bosses. And when we do it is so…fucking…sweet. It makes all the bullshit worth it.

To me, that’s what makes sports enjoyable. Most of the time your team is bad, mediocre, or at best pretty good. But when they’re good it’s an amazing, occasionally transcendent feeling. That’s why you stick it out through the bad times. That’s why you stay the entire game during a blowout loss; because someday, whether it’s two years or twenty years from now, you will remember that seventy two win season and say “Fuck you history! I suffered through Anthony Young‘s consecutive loss streak. I deserve this!”

So, in the last sixteen years, if you’ve made the playoffs sixteen times, won the pennant seven times, and the World Series five times where do you derive that joy? For a large segment of Yankee fans, the answer is you don’t. For me, that’s why I don’t “hate” on Yankee fans. It just makes me sad for them.

Meet the Mets Part 2: Bench & Bullpen

The Mets made official what we expected for the last week and fired General Manager Omar Minaya and Manager Jerry Manuel. Today lets take a look at the oft nebulous and bench and bullpen.

As opposed to their American league counterparts with their socialist designated hitters, a National League bench and bullpen are more difficult to construct. Though this is probably an oversimplification, a bench player should offer a couple of the following qualities; pinch hitting ability, power, speed, defense, ability to spot start or fill-in due to injury. Here’s who likely to return next season from the current roster.

The Bench:

1B/OF - Chris Carter: “The Animal” as he was affectionately known finally got a look at the Major League level this year. He’s a solid bat with some power from the left side, showed the ability to pinch hit and spot start when needed, and his intensity and preparation impressed his teammates. I’d like to see “The Animal” use that intensity and hard work to improve his glaring lack of defensive prowess, however.

1B/OF - Nick Evans: Nick is out of options, and therefore cannot be sent to the Minor Leagues without being exposed on waivers to all other major league teams. He’s come close to breaking camp with the Major League club before. His value is similar to Carter’s, except with a right handed bat.

2B/SS - Joaquin Arias: I wish the Mets had given Arias more of a look down the stretch. He was once a highly touted prospect in the Yankees organization who was the player to be named later in the Alfonso Soriano for A-Rod trade. At 25 years old and with only 275 plate appearances in his career, it’s difficult to say what, exactly, Arias is. Regardless, you have to figure he can provide more value than Alex Cora as your utility middle infielder.

Give ‘Em the Heave Ho:

Fernando Tatis is not under contract for next year, and I don’t think you’ll see him in a Met uniform come Spring Training.

Potential Free Agents:

That leaves room on the bench for a back-up catcher, and legitimate defensive centerfielder (to spell Beltran & Pagan) and speed threat.

C - Rod Barajas: During the first half of 2010 the Mets got a bargain in Barajas, who signed a one year / $500K contract. Nagging injury and just being kind of old for an everyday catcher grind Barajas’ production to a halt and the Mets allowed him to be claimed off waivers. Barajas could really flourish in a back-up role. I really think he got burnt out as a 35 year old everyday catcher last season. Plus he’d be a good mentor for Thole. He did play well in limited action for the Dodgers, so you have to figure there will be a market for his services. But expect him to sign another one year deal for less than $1 million.

C - Jose Molina: The Blue Jays hold a $1.2 million option on Molina for 2011. It seems kind of silly to spend that much on a back-up catcher, but there’s a chance the Jays lose John Buck, who had a very solid bounce back year, to free agency. If they do, expect top prospect J.P. Arencibia to take over full time duty. Either way, they may overpay to keep the solid Molina brother in house.

C - Non Tender Candidates: A couple interesting non-tender candidates include Brayan Pena and Humberto Quintero.

C - Henry Blanco: If all else fails the Mets could bring back Blanco on the cheap. He’s got some pop, calls a good game and is well respected in the clubhouse. Plus him and Johan have a good report from their days in Minnesota.

Although this is a low on the Mets list of priorities, they should still take care and pick a suitable candidate. Josh Thole’s continued development defensively is critical to the Mets future success. So, if I were in the front office, I’d ask around the league and find out who’d be a good mentor while also providing some value statistically.

The center field market looks to be pretty thin with the only viable candidate being:

OF - Jody Gerut: Gerut is coming off pretty dismal season, albeit in very limited action. But he is above average defensively and has proved to have some worth as a left handed bat in the past. He signed a one year / $2 million deal with the Brewers last season. I can’t imagine him getting any offers over $1 million for one year, and probably on a minor league deal at that.

In House Candidates: The Mets best option may be in letting Jason Pridie and Jesus Feliciano fight it out in Spring Training. Feliciano raked at Triple-A this year, basically forcing the Mets’ hand in giving him a shot in the Majors. He was okay in just over 100 plate appearances, but his defense rates better in right field than in center.

Pridie was selected off waivers by the Mets in February. He performed well through late June at Triple-A, before injury derailed his season. His slash line of .286 / .342 / .389 is good, not great. As former 2nd round pick, there’s definitely potential still there.

The Bullpen:

Out of all the moving parts that make up a professional base-balling team, I think the bullpen is the hardest to construct. First, the role of the bullpen has changed radically in the last twenty years. Traditionally, the bullpen was where you stuck your ‘tweeners; guys who were good enough to pitch in the Major Leagues, yet not good enough to be a starting pitcher. The 1970’s and 1980’s brought about the advent of the closer. However, guys like Bruce Sutter, Goose Gossage and Rollie Fingers would routinely pitch 2-3 innings to get a save, and wrack up more than 100 IP for the season. A phenomenon completely unheard of nowadays.

For better or for worse, guys are actually groomed as relief pitchers/closers from high school and college on. So while the art of relief pitching is still evolving and becoming more advanced, relief pitching performance is still wildly erratic from year-to-year. A successful bullpen is, more often than not, a motley crew of veterans, rookies, and guys signed to minor league contracts. Building a bullpen is an inexact science so any organization’s best bet is to stockpile arms and try and find the best possible combination.

From everything I’ve read I also think it best to assign pitchers specific roles. Most pitchers don’t like being jerked around, not knowing when and in what situations they may be called upon to pitch. Shocking, I know. I find these classifications silly and arbitrary, but if helps pitcher performance than I’m all for it. Let’s take a look at who will be returning next season:

CL - Francisco Rodriguez: K-Rod’s legal / anger management issues aside, I have to assume he will be on the active roster next season. Unless Frankie serves jail time, it’s safe to say he will be the team’s closer next year. Before his reprehensible father-in-law punching, and creepy stalker mass texting incidents, Mr. Rodriguez was, statistically speaking, having an excellent season. He had 25 saves, struck out more than a batter per inning, giving up 7 hits per 9 innings pitched with K/BB ration of over 3:1.

SU [RHP] - Bobby Parnell: Parnell settled in nicely this year and I think it’s safe to say that the Parnell as starting pitcher experiment is over. He struck out nearly a batter per inning (33 K / 35 IP) while walking a scant eight batters. He let up a tad too many hits (41) but he’s still developing. Parnell’s high K/9 IP and very good K/BB ratios are an indicator of future success.

MR [RHP] - Ryota Igarashi: Mr. Igarashi is under contract for one more year. After a hot start his season got sidetracked with a hamstring injury it seems he never fully recovered from. He looked dominant at times, completely lost at others. Who knows if he breaks camp with the big league squad next year, but he will be a part of the bullpen at some point. Walks seem to be his biggest issue. In 35 IP last year he gave up 20 hits, struck out 25 while walking 18. If he can find some control, somehow, he could be an effective reliever.

MR [RHP] - Manny Acosta: The Mets claimed Acosta off waivers from the Braves prior to the 2010 season and was literally a steal. In 39.2 IP he struck out 42, gave up only 30 hits and walked 18. All good for an ERA+ of 134. His Batting Average on Balls in Play was .283, a tad below the mean of .300, so there was probably a little bit of luck involved. But he’s still under team control for another year, meaning he’s cheap and will provide value beyond his salary.

MR [RHP] - Sean Green: Since being acquired from the Mariners in the J.J. Putz deal, Green has been pretty not very good at pitching a baseball. He was hurt last year, and pretty much all of this year. Plus he changed his delivery during the off season so I’m willing to give him a pass. He’s entering his second arbitration year, and won’t receive a raise from his $975K salary with no body of work this year so he’ll be pretty cheap. He will be on the roster next year, possibly starting the year at Triple A, and hopefully, healthy he can show the Mets what he can do. If he stinks then they’ll just non-tender him next year.

In House Candidates:

LHP - Mike O’Connor: O’Connor was a 7th round pick of the Expos in 2002. He actually started 20 games for the Nationals in 2006, but only saw a cup of coffee at the major league level after that. The Mets signed him as a minor league free agent and he had an excellent year at Triple A, pitching to a 2.67 ERA in 70 IP with 70 K’s. He also held righties to a .231 BAA so he’s not necessarily just a lefty specialist. With the Mets potentially losing both Pedro Feliciano and Hisanori Takahashi to free agency, O’Connor deserves a look.

RHP - Chad Cordero: Another minor league free agent and former Expo/National. Cordero was 1st round pick in 2003 who saw Major League action the same year he was drafted. He was a very effective closer 2004 - 2007 before his arm blew up in 2008. He’s kicked around the Mariners minor league system before the Mets signed him in July. He pitched well in 16 IP, striking out 15 with a 1.69 ERA. I don’t think he’ll make the big league team, but he’s a solid option to have down on the farm for the inevitable injury or ineffectiveness.

LHP - Raul Valdes: The Mets got Valdes on loan from the Mexican league and he provided value out of the bullpen. His ERA (4.91) and peripheral stats are nothing to write home about, but he’s got a rubber arm, and can eat innings out of the bullpen.

Re-Signees:

LHP - Hisanori Takahashi: What a pleasant surprise Takahashi turned out to be. He had success in every role the Mets asked him to fill; starter, reliever, set-up man, closer. His stats are a little skewed because he got exposed as a starting pitcher, but as a reliever he posted a 2.01 ERA in 57.1 IP with 60 K’s and 22 BB. The rub is that Takahashi may want the opportunity to start. If a team is willing to give him that opportunity, then he may walk.

LHP - Pedro Feliciano: Pedro is entering free agency for the first time this year. He’s a work horse, leading the league and setting the club record for appearances with 92. He’s also extremely effective against lefties, and in a division that includes Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Jason Heyward and Adam Dunn that is extremely valuable. On the con side Feliciano is 34 years old and made $2.9 million this year. He’s due for a raise and will probably be seeking a multi-year deal. He projects as a Type B free agent, so the Mets will offer arbitration. I’d try and work out a reasonable deal, and if he walks then take the draft pick. Even though the relief pitching market is never very strong, locking in a lefty specialist in his mid 30’s for multiple years at $4 million plus per year seems like a waste of money.

RHP - Elmer Dessens: Dessens signed a minor league deal with the Mets for $700K, his second consecutive for the Mets. He pitched well in 2009 and 2010 with a 3.31 ERA and 2.30 ERA in 32.2 IP and 47 IP respectively. But Dessens doesn’t strike out many batters (14 in 2009, 16 in 2010) and his BAbip of .196 and .243 in those seasons suggests his success is a byproduct of luck and good defense, more so than his skill. If the Mets can get him on another minor league deal for cheap, then I’d go for it. Otherwise I’d let him walk for a more lucrative deal, especially at 39 years old.

Free Agents:

The relief pitching market is notoriously shitty. There’s a good chance any decent reliever is a Type A free agent. I, personally, don’t see the value of giving up draft picks for a pitcher you hope throws 60 -70 innings quality innings. So either you overpay in dollars, years, draft picks or all three. Any Type B free agents are probably pretty good too, in which case they’re looking for dollars and years. After that you hope that you can pick up a reclamation project off the scrap heap.

None of these scenarios are ideal, which proves my point that building an effective bullpen is really difficult. In my opinion, the Mets could most use one more dependable left hander (since they’re liable to lose Feliciano and/or Takahashi) and one more dependable right hander. The cash strapped Mets will have to get creative and go bargain hunting:

LHP: Professional fatso Dennys Reyes is coming off a 2 year / $3 million deal so he doesn’t figure to be that expensive. He pitched well for St. Louis, but didn’t log a ton of innings either year and will be 34 next year. His high BB/9 IP rate is not ideal either. Joe Beimel is in the same boat as Reyes; enjoyed some success, will be relatively cheap (coming off a 1 year / $850K contract), but is 34, doesn’t strike guys out while walking too many. You can lump guys like Ron Mahay and Will Ohman into this category too. The best option for the Mets is Randy Choate. He’ll be a Type B free agent, so he won’t cost a draft pick. He made 85 appearances for the Rays this season, with a 8.1 K / 9 average. He’ll be eligible for free agency for the first time. So while he’ll be due a raise, his previous salary of $700K will make him cheaper than Feliciano.

RHP: I would love the Mets to go after Jesse Crain or Jon Rauch to shore up their bullpen. But both are making $2 million or more this year, Crain is coming off another solid campaign, Rauch has bolstered his value by closing part of the year for the Twins, and both are in their prime. Koji Uehara has been excellent for the Orioles since transferring to the bullpen. While he won’t command his previous $5 million salary as a relief pitcher, he doesn’t figure to be cheap either. Instead, bet on the Mets looking for guys coming off injuries or down years like Juan Cruz (who the Royals figure to buy out for $500K), Scott Shields (though he may retire), Mike MacDougal, or Tyler Walker. One feasible option may be Jose Contreras. The Phillies signed him to a one year / $1.5 million contract last year so he doesn’t figure to be that expensive. At 39 years old you wouldn’t think a multi-year contract is in order either, and he still provides value (9.1 K/9, 1.218 WHIP, 3.56 K/BB ratio) out of the bullpen.

Coincidence? Probably!

Is it me or does the two kids dressed up like an old lady in that Snickers commercial:



Look a lot like Leatherface when he wears a wig and puts on make-up during the dinner scene in “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”:

Meet the Mets: Part I

Normally I try and stay away from this kind of speculation when it comes to professional sports. I’m not a GM, I don’t have a business or law degree, and I’m not privy to the front office or the clubhouse. While I agree that one should retain at least a modicum of emotional distance when making business decisions, I also know that without insider knowledge of a team’s inner workings my opinions are not fully informed and my suggestions may not be realistic. Also, regardless of overwhelming fan opinion a team will still do whatever it wants no matter how stupid. Any Mets or Knicks fan can tell you that.

That said, I think all Mets fans can sense that change is coming. There have been numerous reports that Jerry Manuel’s contract will not be renewed, and that Omar Minaya will either be reassigned or fired outright as General Manager. In the wake of another disappointing season, there does seem to be an air, however slight, of optimism. With imminent change, I figured why not play fake GM? Heck, I couldn’t possibly do any worse than Minaya has the past few years.

So lets jump right in by taking a look at who, on the current roster, will be returning in an everyday role next season and identify what holes need to filled (that’s what she said).

Not Going Anywhere:

C – Josh Thole: All indications point to Thole being the Mets starting catcher next year and I think he’s earned a shot. He doesn’t have very much pop (slugging a mere .357 in 272 career plate appearances) but he makes consistent, solid contact and gets on base. I’d like to see his on base percentage a couple ticks higher (currently at .347 for the season) but he’s walked (21) about as much as he’s struck out (23) so the potential for even better plate discipline is there. Thole’s calling card has always been his bat, but I’ve been impressed by his defense and game calling abilities. He’s clearly worked hard and improved these areas of his game.

1B – Ike Davis: Meet your first baseman of the foreseeable future, Mets fans. Davis made us all believe the hype during his rookie campaign. He’s got power to spare, drives in runs and by all standard and advanced fielding metrics is a very good defensive first baseman. He definitely needs to cut down on the strikeouts (135 in 587 plate appearances) but he’s still young and learning. What I’ve found most promising about Davis is, after a hot start, he went into a bit of a slump once opposing pitchers figured him out. But over the last month or so Davis has readjusted his approach and got hot again. He’s shown the ability to adapt to the advanced scouting and higher quality major league pitching. Pencil him in for 25-30 home runs, 100+ RBI and Gold Glove defense starting as soon as next year.

SS – Jose Reyes: The Mets hold an $11 million option on Reyes for next season, after which he can become a free agent. As retarded as the Mets can be, I can’t imagine even them not picking it up. Some people (ne idiots) have suggested the Mets try and trade Reyes with the ludicrous “break up the core” argument. Reyes won’t turn 28 until June of next year. While the beginning of his career was plagued with injuries, Reyes played in 150+ games four consecutive seasons, prior to last year’s injury shortened campaign. He will finish this season with over 130 games played and over 600 plate appearances. So I don’t think his durability is a question any longer. More importantly, his offensive and defensive production would be impossible to replace in house, via trade or on the open market. Guys who rely on their speed for offense and defensive range often start to break down quicker than players with other skill sets. Being that Reyes is still only 27 years old, barring tragic injury or unforeseen diminished production, I would start working with his agents on a four year extension next year, taking him through his age 32 season.

3B – David Wright: Not much to say here; .300 BA, 30+ home runs, 100+ RBI, face of the franchise and signed for a very reasonable $14 million next year. Signed through 2012 with and option for 2013, he’s not going anywhere.

LF – Jason Bay: There’s no way around it; Bay’s season was, to put it mildly, disappointing. But I like Bay. He’s a hard working, low key guy. And his defense, supposedly the weak part of his game, was surprisingly good. I have to believe he’ll turn it around if only because he’s making $18 million each of the next three years. Even if the Mets wanted to dump him, his contract makes him untradeable.

CF – Carlos Beltran: Possibly the most polarizing figure on the roster, which is surprising considering how mild mannered he is. I, personally, am a Beltran supporter. Much like Reyes his production on both sides of the ball at one of the most demanding positions on the field is unparalleled and would be impossible to replace. He’s definitely returned to form after a slow start coming off the DL, so the reports of Beltran’s demise have been greatly exaggerated.

RF – Angel Pagan: Where would the Mets have been without Pagan this year? I shudder to think how much worse they would have been. With a full, healthy season under his belt we’ve finally seen Pagan reach his full potential.

Give ‘Em the Heave-Ho:

2B – Luis Castillo: There is absolutely no way Castillo is on the opening day roster next year. Despite being healthy (or as healthy as Castillo can be) he has completely vanished in the waning month of the season. I can’t even remember the last time I saw him in the starting lineup. He’s either released or traded come Spring, with the Mets eating his salary either way.

Potential Free Agents:

With Castillo out of the picture, that leaves second base as our only need (realistically speaking) in the starting lineup. The Mets are right to give Ruben Tejada as much of a look as possible down the stretch. Ultimately I don’t think he’s there quite yet with his bat. There’s been talk of a Ruben Tejada / Daniel Murphy platoon next year but that’s a dangerous concept to rely on, considering who knows if Murphy can even play an adequate second base.

Bear in mind that the Mets have over $120 million committed to next year’s roster by my half assed calculations. This doesn’t include arbitration raises to the likes of R.A. Dickey, Angel Pagan and Mike Pelfrey. Despite the Wilpon’s insistence that they are not strapped for cash, all reports indicate the Mets will be spending very little money this off season. So my plan would be to acquire a cheap, league average second baseman on a one year deal. This will provide depth at the position (Tejada, Murphy, Luis Hernandez, Justin Turner, Joaquin Arias, Reese Havens) while giving prospects like Tejada, Turner and Havens more seasoning in the minor leagues. Here are some potential candidates:

1. Orlando Hudson – The Mets have coveted him for years. He signed a one year, $5 million deal with the Twins this past off season. At 32 years old, and coming off a slight off year by his standards I wonder if the Mets can’t get him for one year at less than $5 million. Despite his off year, he has provided 1.8 Wins Above Replacement on offense and saved 18 runs Above Replacement on defense.

2. Mark Ellis – The A’s hold a $6 million option on Ellis for next year. I’m not plugged into the A’s organization and am not sure if they have plans on exercising that option. The A’s are traditionally cash strapped, so you have to figure there’s a decent chance they buy him out for $500K and go with a younger, cheaper option. Though not as strong defensively as Hudson, he is still considerably above average with a solid slash line at the plate (for a second baseman) of .290/.358/.373. However, even if the A’s make him available, he could command over $5 million / year and, depending on how the market shakes out, a multi-year deal thus making him out of the Mets price range.

3. Felipe Lopez – This is probably more in the Mets wheelhouse. Lopez signed a one year, $1 million contract with the Cardinals in the off season. He’d probably sign for that much, possibly less, considering the Cardinals released him after he was late numerous times. He struggled offensively this year, but for the first time in his career so you have to believe he can turn it around at age 31. However, his struggles combined with his insubordination does raise some red flags and the Mets can ill afford another PR kerfuffle. Lopez does provide, more or less, league average defense at second so for $750K - $1 million you have to consider taking a flyer on him. Consider him a back-up plan.

Some other low cost options include Adam Kennedy and Aaron Miles, neither of which are bound to set your soul aflame. There’s a risk/reward option in a guy like Akinori Iwamura who really fell the fuck off this year, but he’s a guy you sign on a minor league deal and hope catches on in Spring Training, not someone you guarantee a starting job to. But honestly, if none of the above three are available, Plan B is to let the in-house candidates duke it out in Spring Training. They’re liable to produce just as well, if not better, than the David Eckstein’s of the world, and for less money.

Trade Bait:

As much as I support Carlos Beltran, I realize his relationship with the fans, media and team is probably irrevocably damaged. I’m sure both the Mets and Beltran will want to part ways once his contract expires after the 2011 season. There’s been some chatter about the Mets trying to trade Beltran. I’m not sure how realistic that is, but what the Mets should definitely NOT do is trade Beltran this off season. They will not get anything of value for him, and still have to pay a chunk of his remaining salary.

Instead they should simply lie in wait, and see how Beltran’s 2011 season plays out. Beltran’s September resurgence would lead you to believe he can be a presence at the plate again. The big question mark is his defense. Hopefully his knee heals enough that he can regain most of his ridiculous range in center field. If not, I would start him in right field so as to build his value as a corner outfielder. So if his offense and defense return to form, and if the Mets are not contenders next year I would be open to trading Beltran, but only if the price is right. Beltran will be 34 next year, no spring chicken but with a few good years still left, so the Mets shouldn’t expect a huge haul. Realizing they will have to pay a large chunk of his salary and contingent on Beltran rebuilding his value as a premiere outfielder, I’d pull the trigger on a deal for a young, major league or near major league starting pitcher and a solid position player prospect. Otherwise, just hold onto him and take the draft picks as I have to assume he will turn down any arbitration offer next off season so he can get the hell out of New York.