The other day I made the mistake of going to my corner deli coffee spot right when the Middle School half a block away let out. God Almighty, I’ve seen more law and order in Shanghai prisons. I thought I stepped through a time warp and ended up in Civil War Beirut. If 13 year olds aren’t the rudest motherfuckers on earth, I don’t who is. Any regard for basic tenets of retail social contract such as forming a line and waiting your turn crumbled to ash under the weight of their collective turdishness. Seriously, I think I was interrupted about three times with a “Mister, let me get, um, a Snickers. Nah, fuck that. Skittles, yo.” while simply trying to order a cup of coffee. I’ve been farted on by strangers in crowded subway cars with more respect. I went in looking for an afternoon caffeine fix, I left questioning the existence of God.
Middle School aged kids making a part of your soul shrivel and die for the future of humanity is nothing new, however. No, what made this trip extra special was a brief, heated exchange between a boy and a girl over by the canned soda cooler.
Boy: Yo, I swear to God…
Girl: If you gonna’ do something, then go ahead and do it, nigga.
Girl walks away. Boy clicks his tongue.
Boy: Damn…bitches nowadays.
What cracked me up was that this line was uttered with a certain measure of world weariness. A bitter damning of “bitches nowadays” peppered with wistful nostalgia for the bitches of yesteryear. All this from the mouth of someone whose experience with women begins and ends with that one time he accidentally brushed against a titty on the lunch line.
The whole thing just made me wish he would have expanded his Grumpy Old Man fist-shaking thought even more. “Back in my day bitches would be happy to split a lemon phosphate down at the General Store. Even if they really wanted an egg cream. Nowadays these ho’s think they’re automatically entitled to a grape soda and twenty-five cent bag of Cheetos. Then they have the stones to complain when you bring them a Sunkist instead. More crust than a pie factory, I tell you. Bitch, those Cheetos are to be earned!”
1 comments:
Best F'ing post EVA. I work on a ghetto street next to a public middle school that was failing so bad they decided to make it into three failing mini high schools. So when school let's out I don't even walk home the most direct way.
It's too painful and depressing to try and get through the throngs of teens who are just waiting for the right time when mom isn't home and they can 'accidentally' get impregnated by the loser who can walk with his pants around his knees with as little waddle as possible.
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