St. Peter: Insult Comic

I decided the internets, my web log in particular, would just a good a place to display my savory comedy vittles. As of now, being stored on my hard drive, the only exposure they received was from my computer's assorted "bleeps" and "blorps" (I have a 1979 IBM mainframe) and pornography induced malware. So without further ado and embarrassment to myself, enjoy!
 
EXT. GATES OF HEAVEN - INFINITY

A lineup of MEN and WOMEN shuffle along. ED notices a nervous looking ROY ahead of him.

ROY
What’s the hold up, already? C’mon!

ED
Relax, buddy. We’re almost there.

ROY
This wait is agony. I’m starting to think we’re in Hell, not-

ST. PETER (O.S.)
Next!

REBECCA steps before ST. PETER. It’s now revealed to be the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter, white beard and robe, keeps his head in the Book of Life.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
Rebecca Lawson. Born 1946. Married for 30 years. Three children--

St. Peter looks up from the book and at Rebecca. She has a very prominent MOLE on her face, which catches him off guard.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
Whoa!

St. Peter suddenly assumes a pseudo Andrew “Dice” Clay voice and mannerisms of a hack-ey comedian.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
I seen National Geographic specials on smaller moles than that. Oh!

Rebecca GASPS and covers her mole with her hand.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
But seriously, what was it like being on “Planet Earth”?

Roy becomes even more anxious.

ROY
What is this? What’s happening?

ED
You didn’t hear? St. Peter’s an insult comic now.

Ed holds up a newspaper, “Eternity Weekly”. On the front page is the headline “St. Peter ‘Kills’ at Pearly Gates” with the byline “Hopes to Book Club Tour in 2012”.

ROY
Oh no! He’s gonna’ tear me to shreds! That book’s got everything in it.

ED
So? No one’s perfect. How bad could it be?

ROY
Ever start a “Thicke of the Night” fan club?

ED
No-

ROY
Then have to resign as President for writing inappropriate fan fiction?

ST. PETER
...all right, you’re a good sport. Let’s hear it for Rebecca.

MILD APPLAUSE as St. Peter lets a shell shocked Rebecca in. MICHAEL, a Chinese man, steps up next.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
Michael Cheng, everybody! Put those hands together!
(looking through the Book)
Okay, looks like everything checks out. Come on in.

Michael is about to step through the pearly gates when:

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
Whoa, hold on there Michael. Cheng, that’s Chinese?

Michael nods “yes”.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
Hmm, says here that you’re quite fond of the practical joke?

MICHAEL
What? No, I--

St. Peter produces a can of Coke from behind his pulpit.

ST. PETER
And you put pee-pee in my coke!? What!?

More mild APPLAUSE and LAUGHTER.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
All right, thanks for letting us have some fun out here. Play a couple hands on the house.

St. Peter hands Michael some poker chips.

MICHAEL
There’s a casino inside?

ST. PETER
Sure. Whatever. Next!

A very nervous Roy steps before St. Peter.

ROY
H-Hey, how’s it going?

St. Peter gives Roy a prolonged look before going back to perusing the Book of Life. He mutters to himself before:

ST. PETER
Sheesh! How’d you ever make it this far? I ain’t seen this many blemishes since God gave Job a case of the ol’ full body herpes.
(to Roy directly)
Speaking of which, you know you can’t get Valtrex up here, right?

ROY
C’mon! I don’t have herpes.

ST. PETER
No, you’re right. It’s pretty hard to catch an STD when you’ve only been with...
(looks at Book)
...three women!? I seen less frigid pricks at an Eskimo blood drive!

ROY
Hey! So, I was a little picky. There’s nothing wrong with that?

ST. PETER
We’re not talking about finding the perfect accent color hand towel for your bathroom, here. I got more trim on accident than you did on purpose. And I hung out with lepers most of my adult life.

ROY
I only slept with the women I formed a meaningful bond with, okay? Some might consider that noble.

ST. PETER
And most would consider your penis to have a learning disability. Tell me, Sir Lancelot...
(looking through the Book)
...does watching “The Notebook” seventeen times only give you a vagina, or do you get the complete set with that?

ROY
“The Notebook” is a timeless love story both men and women can enjoy. It received a 52% on Rotten Tomatoes, so--

ST. PETER
Good Lord! At least lie to me and say your wife made you watch it. Oh that's right, you never got married.

The crowd behind Roy gives a sitcom-style “Ooooh!”.

ST. PETER (CONT’D)
Okay, okay. You’re all right, Roy. Welcome to Heaven.

Roy is about to walk through the gates when he stops.

ROY
Just where do you get off, sir? When’s the last time you were on earth? Almost 2000 years ago? There’s a lot more to life these days than not trying to die before your 33. Happiness and spiritual fulfillment aren’t so easy to come by, you know? Not a whole lot of God parting the clouds, commanding us to sacrifice our only son then yelling “Psych!” these days.

ST. PETER
You leave Abraham out of this!

ROY
I am no one special. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but in one respect I’ve succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul and for me that has always been enough.

Roy waits for applause which doesn’t come. After a long beat:

ST. PETER
That’s from “The Notebook” isn’t it?

ROY
Yes.

Head down, shame filled, Roy attempts to enter. St. Peter clears his throat, points to a sign hanging from the gate that reads “Hecklers Will Be Removed Without Refund”.

ROY (CONT’D)
God damn it.

A pair of ANGELS escort Roy out of Heaven.